Too bad that the self-admitted alcoholic wasn't able to celebrate the
real reason for his current trip. Having an official state cocktail is
major news - and cause for extra imbibing - in his alcohol-addled
so-called world.
Scott Hollifield: It's official -- no state-sponsored cocktail
By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD
Media General News Service
Thursday, April 10, 2008
http://www.mcdowellnews.com/
Visitors to and residents of Louisiana will not get a chance to chug the
state's official cocktail and wake up on a French Quarter sidewalk with
no wallet, no memory and no pants.
That's because the Louisiana Senate rejected a measure that would have
made Sazerac - a blend of whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe - the
state's official cocktail.
State Sen. Buddy Shaw was among those who said Louisiana doesn't need an
official cocktail, according to a story from The Associated Press, the
source I turn to for news about elected leaders arguing over something
as idiotic as an official cocktail while many of their constituents
can't afford to drive to the store to buy food they can't afford when
they get there.
"Is there a possibility that we could be encouraging folks, who are not
intending to drink, that it would be acceptable and they could become an
alcoholic?" asked Shaw, recently named the state's official senator to
use fuzzy logic to prove his point.
"Here we are in Louisiana, Helen. How about a drink?"
"Don't be silly, Stan. You know members of my family have been
teetotalers for generations and I believe that indulging in alcohol is a
sign of moral weakness."
"But it says here on this proclamation tacked to the wall beside the
stripper pole that Louisiana lawmakers named Sazerac the state's
official cocktail."
"Oh, in that case, I'll have six. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp."
"Helen, get off the stripper pole! You're ripping the proclamation with
your Crocs!"
I found through extensive research (about 3 1/2 minutes on the Internet
at netstate.com while I ate a burrito, the Hollifield family official
microwavable food for under a dollar) that no state has an official
alcoholic beverage (and if I'm wrong, I will surely be informed by a
host of e-mails that begin "Dear official idiot"). But many do have
official rocks, horses, dances, butterflies, reptiles, fish, fossils and
flying mammals.
In Oklahoma, for instance, the official meal is fried okra, squash,
cornbread, barbecue pork, biscuits, sausage and gravy, grits, corn,
strawberries, chicken-fried steak, pecan pie and black-eyed peas. Oddly,
the state's official medical procedure is not the tummy tuck.
For me, now that I'm finished with my burrito and can concentrate, the
official this-and-thats bring up some interesting hypothetical questions:
n Which is the tastier official fruit, Vermont's apple, Alabama's
blackberry or South Carolina's peach?
I guess that's why wars are fought.
n Which official dog would win in a fight, North Carolina's Plott hound,
Maryland's Chesapeake Bay retriever or South Carolina's Boykin spaniel?
Only Michael Vick and his cellmate know for sure, and it will cost you a
carton of cigarettes.
n Which official insect would you least like to see splattered across
your car's windshield, Illinois' monarch butterfly, the New Mexico's
tarantula hawk wasp or Alaska's bowhead whale?
Ha! It's a trick question. The bowhead whale is actually Alaska's
official marine mammal and would crush your car like aluminum can. (And,
if my petition is successful, the aluminum can will soon be the official
metal drinking receptacle of the state of Rhode Island.)
Lawmakers, your task is a daunting one. There are still official
this-and-thats out there to be debated endlessly while many of your
constituents can't afford to drive to the store to buy food they can't
afford when they get there.
Official Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Official handgun. Official escort service
(New York may have already decided on that one). Official way for
legislators to waste time. Official smart-aleck columnist.
And before you debate the last one, let me buy you a couple of Sazeracs.
It may not be the official cocktail of the state of Louisiana, but when
you wake up on the sidewalk with no wallet, no memory and no pants and
see the video I shot, I'll be a shoo-in.
~~
http://www.extirpirate.com/ is an archive of the Internet abuse and
harassment transmitted via scores of troll-variant and forged
identities by John Wesley Gilmer III, aka, "PirateJohn" or "PyrateJohn",
while in the employ of Moffitt Corporation, 1351 13th Avenue South,
Suite 130, Jacksonville Beach, FL 32250 http://www.moffitthvac.com
Post by GodLovesLumpyPost by Jose Gasparhttp://pyratejohn.blogspot.com
He's still alive? Darn.
Post by Jose GasparPJ left his driveway (home driveway) on April 3. He has been
1. Bought Miss Deb a hamburger.
With a slice of Velveeta cheese on it. Free cheese, too. The poor are
eligible for it.
Post by Jose Gaspar2. Stopped at the free admission Naval Aviation Museum.
One of Deb's "must sees" for sure. Does she ever do anything on these trips
except trot along behind John doing what HE wants to do...and pay the bills?
Post by Jose GasparThat's All Folks! Seven days on the road and counting...
Looks like there's nothing to come back to JAX for...she hasn't got any
houses to sell and Moffitt has finally issued him a pink slip (which is the
ACTUAL "promotion" he got). HAHAHA...
Post by Jose GasparNow, along the way, Miss Deb had to pass by the shit filled toilets
at the old, nasty, run-down truck stop and waddle past a gauntlet
of truck drivers to take a shower in a mildew crusted shower stall.
{{{{{shudder}}}}} ... with all the truckers ogling her. I'll bet none of
them could see again till the next morning. LOL The first big event of
the long-awaited vacation. Ol' John sure shows her class all the way,
doesn't he?
Post by Jose GasparSince they only left PJ's driveway (home driveway) a few hours
earlier, some would wonder why it was so important for flabby
ass to take a shower?
Like she didn't have all day.......they didn't leave till 5 PM. What a way
to head out on a vacation. Most people are on the road at the crack of
dawn. Especially, when they've been getting ready for more than a month.
Maybe she had an "accident" and had to clean herself up? LOL Living with
Gilmer would give anybody the shits on occasion.
If you've been around really, really fat
Post by Jose Gasparpeople then you'd know why...
She must carry all her weight in her bubble butt and the roll around her
middle. Her boobs are A size....kinda like two fried eggs (sunny side up).
Of course we can expect that PJ
Post by Jose Gasparforgot to put water in the water tank... At least he didn't put
diesel fuel in the water tank...
How in hell can anybody *forget* to put water in the tank? When you unhook
the potable waterhose, it occurs to most people they'd better make sure
they've got some reserve water in the tank to get them to the next place
where they'll have a water connection again. They have to flush the toilet,
don't they? Well, maybe not with those two .... Pooooo.....
Post by Jose Gaspar[Applaud] Boooooooooo......
So, after downing several large cans of Foster's, he awakens to
brew a cup of Columbian gourmet coffee, that he got at WalMart for
$1.99 for a two pound tin, and good ole greasy sausage and grits...
Yum, yum...
That big gut of his didn't just appear from eating lettuce and drinking
water, you know. Bet the food tasted extra good sitting in a truck stop
filling station. Diesel exhaust everywhere and grim scenery. " This is
livin' "
Post by Jose Gaspar[Applaud] Boooooooooooo......
Then it's off to Wally World where he buys Miss Deb a deluxe
cheeseburger.
Two slices of Velveeta cheese on the deluxe? I think they still charge $1
for those.
Post by Jose Gaspar[Applaud] Boooooooooo.....
He camps at a 'heavily forested' campsite full of sap dripping
Southern slash pines that wouldn't shade a gnat in a thunderstorm.
Yeah, but .... it was a REAL *campground*. They were moving on up from the
truckstop parking lot.
Post by Jose GasparNext it's off to see the museum which has free admission.
Didn't Miss Deb WIN big-time at the Casino? I must have missed that part
...
Post by Jose Gaspar[Applaud] Boooooooooooooo.....
Other than that, he got lost a few times because he can't read a
fucking map and his GPS gave him false information. Too bad Deb
couldn't read a map... oh well... maybe someone could make a
movie about PJ's misadventures and have Chevy Chase star in it...
One pratfall after another....? I'll bet the locals stopped to gape as that
40' train passed by on the narrow streets. Pointing fingers and snickering
at the white trash from Floriduh who were lost in Mobile, barely over the
state line. Are the gypsies back to roaming around looking to rob somebody
or is this the newer version of the Beverly Hillbillies? they asked between
giggles.
Post by Jose GasparSeven days and no word that he's made it to New Orleans yet...
Do you still have that $10 that says they'll never make it to New Orleans?
They have friends there now that might let them park in their driveways for
free -- until the neighbors complain to the cops about the TRASH they have
to look at. And the bus doesn't look too good, either. LMAO~~~~~~~~~~~!!
--
http://www.extirpirate.com/ is an archive of the Internet abuse and
harassment transmitted via scores of troll-variant and forged
identities by John Wesley Gilmer III, aka, "PirateJohn" or "PyrateJohn",
while in the employ of Moffitt Corporation, 1351 13th Avenue South,
Suite 130, Jacksonville Beach, FL 32250 http://www.moffitthvac.com